Photo by Olivier Deveault.

Foolish enviros might think that oil pipelines are bad for wildlife, what with the habitat-destroying and whatnot. But Republican Rep. Louie Gohmert (Texas) is an expert on ungulate romance, and he knows the score: Oil pipelines are the caribou equivalent of a hotel room with a heart-shaped bed, a champagne glass-shaped hot tub, and a Charles Koch-shaped semen stain on the bedspread.

Here’s his theory: The caribou very much enjoy the warmth the pipeline radiates. “So when they want to go on a date, they invite each other to head over to the pipeline,” he informed his colleagues. It’s apparently the equivalent of being wined and dined. And that has resulted in a tenfold caribou population boom, he concluded.

Even Rep. Don Young (R), who loves oil pipelines like a caribou loves other caribou — and who is actually from Alaska, where there are caribou, and not Texas, where there is not even Caribou Coffee — tried to walk this one back, saying “I’m not sure it’s warmth of the pipeline.” But Gohmert could not be moved.

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