Part of my job is to keep an eye on developments in the illustrious world of green living. Sometimes it’s celebrities writing letters about which electric vehicles they actually own. And sometimes it’s product news. And boy is there a lot of product news lately: the “world’s first” eco-this and “world’s first” eco-that. Which reminds me of a story I’ve been meaning to tell …

number oneWorld’s first eco-caption.When I woke up this morning, fresh from a night on the World’s First All-Natural, Biodegradable Sleep System, I really wanted to get some exercise in before work. So I unrolled my World’s First Self-Guiding, Eco-Friendly Stretch Mat for Golf, Yoga, Pilates, Maternity, and More — endorsed by Paula Abdul! — and went to it. All those sun salutations made me sweaty, so I was extra-glad that I’d turned on the First Eco-Friendly Mini-Dehumidifier. When I finished, I was so dehumidified I hardly even needed a shower! But I did still need a change of clothes, so I pulled on some jeans and the First Carbon-Neutral Recycled-Cotton T-Shirt. There, that felt better. Popped a piece of the World’s First Biodegradable Chewing Gum, and I was good to go.

It was time for work, so I hopped in the car and fired up the World’s First “EcoNav” GPS. It’s not that I don’t know my way to the office, but I was planning a detour: a stop at the Nation’s First Full-Service, Eco-Friendly Car Wash. While the brushes and sponges worked their magic, I pulled out my World’s First Carbon-Neutral Phone and made a quick call. I was hoping my friend could meet me for lunch, but she had other plans. It wouldn’t be like me to divulge someone else’s secrets, but let’s just say she had another companion for the day: the World’s First “Green” Hair Bleach. That bleach!

Lunch-dateless, I made my way to work. Where, if you can believe it, my boss still makes us use typewriters occasionally. Luckily I keep the First and Only Biodegradable Correction Tape handy. Because the sooner I get done hunting and pecking, the sooner I can hop on the World’s First Biodegradable PC. And from there … the world is my oyster. Today I decided to visit the World’s First Eco-Friendly Entertainment Auction Platform — because who doesn’t “like to shop, pay next to nothing, enjoy bargains, like to have fun, while engaging in suspense driven auctions”?! After that I spent a little time ordering wedding supplies. Not that I’m getting married or anything, but I know people are going to be snapping up the First Green and Carbon-Neutral Wedding Stationery Line and World’s First Archival, Eco-Friendly Wedding Albums. Really, I do.

Shopping was fun, but as the hours dragged on, I kept checking the World’s First Eco-Friendly Timepiece. Five o’clock couldn’t come soon enough. When I finally got home, I poured myself a bit of the World’s First Eco-Luxury Vodka and flipped on the World’s First Organic LED TV. How I wished I lived in London or New York so I could go to the World’s First Eco-Club or the World’s First Eco-Friendly Club. What would I do instead? Well … if your answer involved the World’s First 100% Eco-Friendly Wind-Up Sex Toy, it wouldn’t be the World’s Worst Guess.