9. Remember when Madonna didn’t give a f*ck what you thought? When she was just dancing around in ripped up clothes, all spunky and badass, like you could take your rules and stick ‘em where the lucky star don’t shine?

We miss that Madonna. Nowadays, Madonna cares what you think. Really cares. In fact she’s tapping you on the shoulder so she can tell you what you think — thus “Hey You.” Converting Britney to Kabbalah? Fine. Making unwatchable movies? Fine. Collecting poor brown kids like tchotchkes? Hey, papa don’t preach. But this song? This is too much. Madonna must be stopped.