A series of internal White House memos obtained by Grist sheds light on the Bush administration’s private response to increasing reports of looming environmental crises. Contrary to popular opinion, it appears President Bush is far from oblivious to the spate of dire ecological warnings that have emerged in recent months. In fact, his family’s personal preparations for the approaching “zero hour” present a stark contrast to his public disregard for environmental crises.

“Over-fishing will have emptied our seas of my favorite fishes in a matter of decades. I’m especially going to miss that one that puffs up like a bouncy ball,” Bush wrote in one memo. “Anyway, I’ll need fish-replacements for my suppers. Therefore, Plan ‘Beeline for the Feline’ must be implemented by the year 2005 at the latest.”

Catburger supreme.

Beeline for the Feline, according to subsequent memos, will begin with a roundup of feral cats from various Washington, D.C., neighborhoods. The cats, said to resemble flounder in taste, will be filleted and frozen for future meals. Internal studies reveal that an average city block’s feline population could support 40 entrees a month.

Still, Beeline for the Feline raises concerns of its own.

“What if we ‘over-cat,’ just like we over-fished?” Vice President Dick Cheney wondered in one memo.

According to the memos, it was a landmark World Wildlife Fund study, released in July, that galvanized Bush’s personal “Earth catastrophe team.” The study found that the planet’s natural resources are disappearing so quickly that, at the current pace, a second planet Earth would be needed to sustain the global population by 2025.

The president thinks of zebra stuff.

The White House did not publicly express concern about the report, leading many to believe that it was unaware of or unconcerned about the situation. But the recent series of memos indicates that’s not the case.

“They think I don’t know about this Earth stuff,” the president wrote. “If that’s true, than why did I spend 20 minutes thinking about endangered zebra populations last night? In the event of global collapse, I do believe I could train those animals to act like horses and carry me to safety.”

The president’s personal plans encompass a variety of so-called “problem solutions” — ways to tackle environmental woes ranging from air pollution to melting ice caps to mitigate their impact on the Bush lifestyle. Among the ideas contained in the memos:

 

  • Cave golf. Given the increasingly fierce competition for land use and growing concerns about the health effects of pollution, underground caverns would be established in order to safeguard a favorite presidential pastime. The memos also recommend that caddies be trained to live on four inhalations per minute, so as to minimize impact on the presidential air supply.
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  • Collectable oil cards. When environmental devastation grows so severe that human beings are too sick to leave the house — many environmental reports suggest that by 2050, diseases previously unknown in the U.S. will be rampant — the oil industry will need to find an alternate revenue source as automobile use declines precipitously. The vice president’s proposal? A contemporary version of baseball cards. These gasoline-themed collectibles would be petroleum-based, and would come with sticks of “Diesel Gum.” “These will be the perfect items to stack at the side of your hospital bed!” cheered Cheney.
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  • Assault rifles. “Studies are still out on how these will help us,” Bush wrote, “but I’m pretty sure they’re not bad for the environment.” The president indicated he would carry “resource-preserving” firearms in his socks, blazer, underpants, and winter hat, beginning in 2008.

 

The memos, although alarming, at least show the White House is cognizant of impending environmental problems — which should come as a relief to a number of concerned citizens.

The memos, although alarming, at least show the White House is cognizant of impending environmental problems — which should come as a relief to a number of concerned citizens.

“While environmentalists waste their time fretting about global warming, we’re getting aggressive,” said a White House strategist who preferred to remain anonymous. “Have the Democrats developed ozone-safe personal flotation devices stocked with cat meat? I rest my case.”

“While environmentalists waste their time fretting about global warming, we’re getting aggressive,” said a White House strategist who preferred to remain anonymous. “Have the Democrats developed ozone-safe personal flotation devices stocked with cat meat? I rest my case.”