I wonder if it will be carbonated.

The Haus of Gaga creative team (would it have killed them to have spelled it House? Perhaps) is launching a Lady Gaga-themed water. The name and shape of the bottle is a secret for now, which means that the unbearable yearning we have inside of us to know every detail about this will have to somehow lay dormant until further notice.

“We know that the water drink is due out in the near future,” a source said. “No one has seen prototypes of the bottle.” Wow, when you say no one, do you mean even The Lady of Ga herself? Like they were going to bring her some samples and she turned away and cried out, “No, it must remain a mystery even to me?”

Now, I do buy bottled water every now and again, though mostly, like the reasonably well-educated citizen that I am, I try to carry and fill up my own bottle. And I actually like Lady Gaga, and see most attacks on her as mere resentment that someone who isn’t classically pretty dared to get famous, so I’m going to word my criticism carefully and instructively: Lady Gaga. You are cool. You have some good hooks. You have the world’s attention. So why not use it for something else? If you ever have little Gagas, they will enjoy not living on a floating pile of your discarded water bottles.

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