Table for 6,574,796?

There’s lots of big stuff in Texas. Big hair, big football. The state itself is big. And now, they have a big cricket problem. Thanks to a mild winter and early spring, the state is getting totally overrun with crickets, and nothing short of a 747-sized lizard is going to take care of the problem.

The thing about crickets is that, yes, alive they are disgusting and all. No one really likes a swarm of anything, and crickets are no exception. But when crickets die en masse, they smell unbelievably bad. Like dead people bad. Have you ever smelled a dead body? Not like from a Law & Order scratch and sniff game, like a real dead body. Well, it’s something else. So naturally the people of Texas are keen on getting these rotting cricket carcasses out of their businesses and homes, and wouldn’t you know it, the rotting cricket carcasses are winning.

Oh, and the reason there are so many crickets is because Texas was so hot this year, and the reason Texas was so hot this year is probably due to a little problem called climate change. You know the expression “Earth bats last”? Well, the game isn’t over, but we’re maybe at the bottom of the seventh, and the crickets are hitting cleanup.

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