Fat free! Now with whole grains! Only 100 calories! Zero grams trans fat! All-natural!

Fake health foods are the carnival barkers of the grocery store, shouting at you from every aisle, promising longevity, beauty, and true happiness, if only you’ll buy them. Fake health food is a wolf in sheep’s clothing, a vicar in a tutu. Here are some of the worst examples:

Vitamin-enriched water is often filled with sugar. Most of them also make big health claims (mood enhancing, energizing, more brain power, etc.) with no evidence to back them up.

Vegetable chips are just chips. They are deep-fried, and contain plenty of fat, salt, and empty calories, just like any other chip.

Granola is super-awesome hippie health food, right? Not usually. Most granolas are loaded with sugar and fat. Make your own!

Flavored yogurt contains fruit, right? Yes, but it’s usually highly processed fruit. Also: sugar, sugar, and more sugar.

Granola bars and energy bars are almost always weighed down with calories, and lots of them contain high fructose corn syrup, palm oil, or other not-so-healthy oils.

Baked chips might contain less fat, but they’re about as good for you as eating salty cardboard. Actually, cardboard would have more fiber.

Almost every item in these “healthy” vending machines also qualifies as fake health food.

So, how can I tell the difference?

Start by steering away from any food with a health claim on the front of the package. In the same way that really famous people don’t have to walk around telling everyone how famous they are, truly healthy food doesn’t go around shouting about it. Have you ever seen a bunch of kale with a “low fat” sticker? Here are my translations of some of the most common health claims:

Enriched: The original nutrients were all processed out so the manufacturers had to put a few back in. I recommend eating the whole food, not a (processed) enriched version.

Better for you: Than what? Cyanide? Sulfuric acid? A kick in the pants? Guess what, it’s also worse for you. Than what? Real food.

Fat-free: Fat is not the enemy and fat-free doesn’t mean it won’t make you fat. It probably contains sodium, sugars, and additives to make up for the flavor lost by excluding fat.

Made with whole grains, real fruit, etc.: This usually means that the manufacturer added a little of the healthy ingredient so they could say “made with” on the package. Instead of eating something that is “made with” whole grains or real fruit, just eat whole grains or real fruit.

Only 100 calories: That’s exactly 100 more empty calories than you need.

Zero grams trans fat: By FDA rules, food can have 0.5 g trans fat per serving and still be labeled “0 grams trans fat.” Aside from being stupid, this rule means you still get plenty of trans fat if you eat the whole box.

All-natural: This means it was made on Earth, from things found on Earth, not excluding any kind of chemical, genetically engineered (GMO) ingredient, or synthetic compound. In fact, it could probably be made on Mars, since the FDA doesn’t define “all-natural” and doesn’t restrict its use. (Note: With meat and poultry, the “natural” label does have an official USDA definition.)

Helps Maintain ___ or May Help ___ : Manufacturers are free to say absolutely anything after vague phrases like this. Note to self: manufacture candy bar that “helps maintain a Kim Kardashian body and a mind like Einstein.”

Is it bad for the environment?

Many fake health foods are manufactured (there’s that word again) with GMO corn and soy products. That means they’re the product of industrial-scale farming, which utilizes mass quantities of pesticides, not to mention synthetic nitrogen fertilizers that end up in waterways and feed the Gulf Dead Zone.

Palm oil is another red-flag ingredient that’s found all over the fake health food market. The advent of municipal trans-fat bans caused lots of manufacturers to replace heavy, hydrogenated oils with palm oil. Now they can say “0 grams trans fat” on the box, but that doesn’t allow them any such claim when it comes to rainforests.

Much of the world’s palm oil is grown in Malaysia and Indonesia. Palm oil producers slash and burn old-growth rainforests and plant huge monocrops of palm fruit trees. This is not only deadly to species such as orangutans, but it takes away the food and habitat of people that have been living in these forests for centuries. They are often left with no option but to work on the plantations, sustaining a grueling life for a barely living wage. Even if you don’t care about orangutans or indigenous peoples, remember, rainforests are the lungs of this planet. Without them, fewer greenhouse gases are absorbed, and the amount of carbon in the atmosphere continues to rise.

Though it may be healthier than trans fat, recent science suggests that palm oil might not be very good for you either.

What should I eat instead?

If you really want a naughty snack, I say go for the gusto and eat real junk food. Chances are you’ll eat a lot less, because you won’t be able to fool yourself into thinking it’s healthy. I would choose real potato chips (potatoes, vegetable oil, sea salt) over a bag of faux-healthy Baked Cheetos (which have more than 20 ingredients, including our mysterious friends Artificial Flavor and Artificial Color) every single time.

It’s pretty simple to make the move from fake health food to real food. Instead of snack crackers and vegetable chips, make your own popcorn or eat dry roasted nuts. You’ll get the salty, fatty snack you’re craving without the processed empty calories.

Instead of granola bars and energy bars, I throw together my own trail mix with nuts, dried fruit (preferably not cranberries, as they often have added sugar), and even high-quality chocolate chips. This is so much more satisfying.

And instead of vitamin-enriched water, just drink water. Seriously. If you’re reading this blog, chances are you have the best drink available straight from your tap. (Some of you might not, and for that I am truly sorry. But doesn’t it piss you off that those of us who do don’t appreciate it?)

What did you resolve to do this year? Eat healthier? Avoid processed foods? Stay away from GMOs? Stop buying products foisted on you by the man? Reduce the size of your weekly garbage bag? Become a domestic god(ess)?

I want to do all of those things, which is why I am so damn excited about this post. You see, until recently, these five packaged foods were staples on every shopping list I made. But, over the last few months, I’ve discovered that they are all completely unnecessary once you get the hang of making them at home.

1. Photo: madlyinlovewithlifeNever buy soup

I’ve always hated trying to shop for soup. They always hide nasty ingredients in there, and more often than not, even the most vegan-sounding soup is made with chicken stock or a little beef fat. Campbell’s makes a vegetable soup that isn’t vegetarian. Why?

If there are no animal parts in the soup, there’s usually lots of salt, fat, and additives, or a little GMOs just for fun. And in case you haven’t heard, soup comes in cans lined with BPA. Nasty.

If there’s nothing objectionable in the ingredients, eating store-bought soup usually means taking a trip to bland city. Seriously, I’ve never found one I like.

The funny thing is, when you make soup at home, you don’t have to add any junk and it’s always bursting with the flavor of whatever vegetables you put in it. That’s the magic of eating whole foods.

Campbell’s and their corporate buddies have somehow managed to convince us that making soup is a task better left to the experts. In reality, it’s the easiest, quickest meal you can conjure. You don’t even need any special ingredients.

Just open your fridge and Google whatever you see in there followed by “soup recipe.” I guarantee you’ll find lots of them.

So get to it. Here are a few examples (based on what we have sitting around right now) to get you started:

• Vegan Sweet Potato and Pear Soup
• Orange and Lentil Soup
• Curried Apple and Leek Soup

Super soup tips

1. Sign up for a CSA box and you’ll always have lots of crazy fruits and vegetables on hand to make soup.
2. Invest in a hand blender. I know, normally I don’t go in for buying gadgets, but we use ours every single day and it’s so much easier to blend the soup right in the pot.
3. Make your own stock!

2. Never buy stock and bouillon

If you’ve done your homework with the soup, you’ve noticed that almost all soup recipes call for stock. Guess what? That’s another thing you never have to buy again. I discovered a few months ago that making stock is even easier than making soup. And you can make it from garbage! Honestly.

You know all those potato peels, apple cores, onion skins, leek tops, and eggplant stems that collect in your kitchen? Instead of sending them straight to the compost, stick them in a plastic bag in the freezer. Once you have enough to half fill your biggest pot, it’s time to make stock.

Here’s the method I’ve been using.

Hot stock tip: I pour the stock into some flexible ice-cube trays and freeze them. Then it’s ready to use in small portions every time we make soup, stew, rice, curry, stir fry … whatever.

3. Photo: SweetbeetandgreenbeanNever buy canned beans

Remember how we were just talking about BPA in cans? Well, it’s in your canned beans, too. And just like soup, beans taste better and fresher, and are better for you, if you buy them dried and prepare them at home.

I know all that soaking and cooking seems like a huge pain in the ass. That’s what I thought until my husband started coming home with dried adzukis, chickpeas, and black beans.

In reality, it takes around three minutes to put the beans in some water, another minute to change that water during soaking, and then about five more minutes to put them on the stove. All the beans you’ll eat all week in less than 10 minutes.

Here’s a great guide to preparing various types of beans.

When we have a batch of beans sitting in the fridge, we use them to make our own burgers (thanks to Peggy at Lovin’ Spoonfuls in Tucson for her delicious recipe!), falafels, soups and chili, or just sprinkle them on a salad.

Basic bean tip: Get your spouse or kids to soak and cook the beans while you relax. That’s what I usually do!

4. Never buy hummus

One of the things we use our fresh chickpeas for is to make hummus. This takes me, oh, all of about six minutes now that I’ve done it a few times. Unlike store-bought hummus, it is not too salty, too sweet, too lemony, too bland, or too garlicky. It’s just right, because I made it that way.

One of these days, I’ll share my recipe, though it’s better if you just make it to your own liking.

Tasty hummus tip: Add a little of the bean-cooking water into your hummus (instead of olive oil). It adds tons of flavor and creates the perfect hummus-y texture without adding any fat.

5. Photo: ruthiekiNever buy cereal

My initial eschewing of packaged cereal happened because of a one-two punch.

My mother-in-law started it. She makes amazing granola that we eat every morning at her cottage on Lake Muskoka. When we leave, the best way to recapture those lazy summer days is with a fresh batch of granola.

The other punch came when I discovered that most frosted mini-wheat-type cereal contains beef fat or gelatin!

What? There are cow and pig parts in cereal? Yes. Even in pseudo good-for-the-world brands like Trader Joe’s and Three Sisters. Bleh.

I’m really not a fan of standing in the grocery store scouring ingredients lists. But once I started, I discovered that most cereal is a combo of high-fructose corn syrup and GM corn. Plus, all of it is ridiculously overpriced.

So, the only solution is to make your own.

You can make muesli (granola’s uncooked European cousin) in a matter of minutes. Granola takes a little longer because it has to cook, but it’s also a no-brainer.

Try this recipe for tahini granola. So good.

Groovy granola tip: Make a huge batch and stick it in airtight food containers. It will keep for months.

A worthwhile investment

That’s it. Five things you never ever have to buy again. I estimate that by making all of these things at home, I have time to watch one less hour-long TV show a week. That’s a trade-off I’m willing to make. But if you’re not, you could always put a TV in your kitchen.

What other common packaged products do you make at home? Anyone trying almond milk, nut butters, or flour? I’d love to know.

More sustainable cooking tips:

• Sharpen your knife skills — and save time and money.
• How to stop worrying and start loving your kitchen timer.

This post originally appeared on My Five Acres.