Men Again

Rick Perry made a jaw-dropping attempt to get in on the sexual assault debate.

On Thursday morning, our idea oven of an Energy Secretary popped open and out came the sloppiest word casserole ever made.

Basically: Expanding fossil fuels in Africa could help prevent sexual assault, presumably because fossil fuels produce light.

Here is an incomplete list of problems with this statement.

  1. Oh my god.
  2. SEXUAL ASSAULT HAPPENS WHEN THE LIGHTS ARE ON.
  3. There are sources of light that are not fossil fuels.
  4. SEXUAL ASSAULT HAPPENS, RAMPANTLY, IN “RIGHTEOUS” PLACES. WHEN THE LIGHTS ARE ON.
  5. Here are some non-fossil fuel sources that generate light: Solar power. Wind power. Hydropower. Just the sun all by itself, up in the sky! The moon, too, sometimes!
  6. SEXUAL ASSAULT HAPPENS, IN EXTREMELY WELL-DOCUMENTED FORM, IN PLACES WHERE FOSSIL FUELS ARE PRODIGIOUSLY SPEWING FROM THE GROUND.
  7. I’m going to die!
  8. SEXUAL ASSAULT HAPPENS IN SO MANY PLACES, IN SO MANY CIRCUMSTANCES, IN SO MANY VARYING DEGREES OF DARKNESS AND LIGHT, THAT TO ATTEMPT TO SHOEHORN THE ISSUE INTO ONE OF THE RELATIVELY FEW CONVERSATIONS WHERE IT HAS NO LOGICAL PLACE IS KIND OF MIND-BOGGLINGLY OFFENSIVE.

Fossil fuels don’t prevent sexual assault. Men do! The end.