How to care for your 6-foot Rick Perry chia head
If you have a spare $4,500 lying around, you can now own a Rick Perry chia head that's as tall as Rick Perry. (From the item's description: "Hmmm, Rick recently stated at a Tea Party debate that he would be offended if somebody thought he could be bought for $5,000. He obviously hasn’t evaluated his worth as a gigantic planter.") Hair plants are not included — like the governor himself, you're going to have to WORK for that hair. But it does ship with a gallon of Cow Wow, a manure-based fertilizer. In other words, the Perry head comes with its own bullshit.
How would the Republican frontrunner prefer you to care for his flowering tresses? Here's a guess:
- Do not water. Ever.
- Keep in well-lighted, unventilated environment with a steadily increasing supply of CO2. (It's natural!)
- Destroy the EPA. Not for plant care reasons or anything — that's just step 3 of any Rick Perry plan.
- If leaves start looking brown around the edges, pray.