This is not a surprise or anything, but Rick Perry unveiled what we'll charitably call an "energy plan," and it's printed on oil-soaked paper with oil-based ink.

Perry's plan, in short:

  • Drill everywhere. The Gulf of Mexico, the Outer Continental Shelves, ANWR, offshore Alaska, the Rocky Mountains. EV. ERY. WHERE. Sure, mutilating the earth to get at an unrenewable resource is a fundamentally unsustainable plan, but we really only have to keep it going until Rick Perry dies, right? Who cares what happens after that?
  • Gulf of Mexico deepwater drilling permits for everyone! There is literally no way that could go wrong.
  • Gut the EPA's ability to regulate air pollution, carbon, and other greenhouse gases, then dramatically overhaul the entire organization, cut its budget by 60 percent, and turn it into a figurehead. What? They deserve it! EPA is a total buzzkill when all you're trying to do is take a relaxing and lucrative petroleum bath.
  • Keystone XL, obvs. 

So, yeah, this is great. We liked him better when he was focused on getting these goats for our computer industry.