Here, we present the only food product we have ever encountered that needs to just GET OVER itself:

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Bill Wasik

Bill Wasik, a senior editor at Wired, shared this photo with the warning that it featured “a graf where every phrase makes you want to punch something.” And yes, now, we do want to punch something. Specifically, we want to punch this chocolate syrup and everyone who made it and everyone who buys it.

To spare you that fate, and so that you don’t actually have to parse what’s going on there, here’s a list of all the separate, supposedly desirable qualities this chocolate syrup has:

  • single origin varietal
  • bittersweet
  • handcrafted
  • in small batches
  • in the wine country
  • capturing of terroir
  • tartly essenced
  • richly chocolate flavored
  • infused with precious madagascar bourbon vanilla extract

That’s NINE overwrought adjectives for one foodstuff. New rule: You get to choose maybe — MAYBE — three of those to describe your product. Stop ruining good ideas about improving food by making them more obnoxious and terrible than they need to be.