LaMalfa campaign
I will tell you my stupid ideas about climate change so you can die from boredom instead.

When we talk about climate denial, especially during this heated election, and in the aftermath of the biggest storm to ever hit the East Coast, it’s so easy to focus on the obvious crazies. Like Paul Ryan, who said “fighting global warming has been a tough sell in our communities, where much of the state is buried under snow.” There’s just something dazzling about this kind of willful ignorance.

So dazzling, in fact, that we now realize we’d been blinded to the real heroes of climate denial: people like Doug LaMalfa, former member of the California Senate, now running against Democrat Jim Reed to become a representative to Congress from California’s rural First District. Cleverly worded idiocy that gets ink? Not LaMalfa’s thing. But rattling off the exact same fucking jackass idiot talking points we’ve heard from all the other jackass idiots: totally his thing. Watch.

It’s all so beautifully standard. It’s “bad science.” It’s “Al Gore.” It’s a “naturally occurring cycle.” You should “look at the numbers” — numbers that Doug LaMalfa has doubtless never seen, but has heard about. By the way, it all takes place at an Elks Lodge in Chico, Calif.

I’m not going to argue that Doug LaMalfa is breaking new ground in the valiant conservative campaign to eradicate human life from the planet. Still, as a climate denier, he’s quite remarkable at being totally average. If he were a family, he’d have 2.2 kids. If he were a German Shepherd, he’d have hip dysplasia by 6 and be dead at 9.5. If he were in the Beatles, he’d have to quit and join the Eagles. Let us never forget them, these parroting dullards, these doddering, dutiful worker bees of the climate denial movement, for they are the hot blood pulsing in its veins.