I'll be cloned for Christmas
I’ll be cloned for Christmas.
Jason Matthews

Haven’t you always wanted your Christmas guests to be absolutely blown away by the perfect symmetry of your Christmas tree? Haven’t you wanted them to exclaim things like “beautiful” and “amazing” and “I’ve never seen a Christmas tree like that?” Well. Your search for the perfect envy-inspiring Christmas tree is over, because some German scientists have figured out how to create one through cloning.

Yes, the country that brought you eugenics and “O Tannenbaum” has not so surprisingly brought you the sort of Ubermensch Christmas tree you have heretofore only dreamed of. The trees are Caucasian firs (because of course the life form German scientists are cloning is Caucasian), which is native to parts of Russia but is also the most common type of Christmas tree in Germany. But with cloning technology, scientists can zero in on ideal traits and reproduce them perfectly. Result: a tree with perfect color that’s insect-resistant and doesn’t even shed its needles.

In America, 100,000 people make their living off of the Christmas tree industry, so it’s good that this important stride in Christmas tree quality control has been made. Makes us want to have Christmas all over again. (Not really.)