Dan Derrett

Getting a DUI after going out on a Monday night is pretty serious business already, and to do so with a hamster on your lap — well, say what you want about Oregon resident Nicole Huey, 27, but she’s clearly committed to the DUI lifestyle.

Officers pulled Huey over at around 12:30 a.m. Tuesday, and immediately saw the hamster. It then took three of them to get it out of the car. Mike Rowe, a spokesperson for the Beaverton, Ore., police department, wrote on the department’s Facebook page that “It appeared that the hamster wanted to stay in the vehicle.” With all due respect, Mr. Rowe, a) it weighs like three ounces and b) do you really think that hamsters “want” things? We’re going to just assume you were trying to be funny. Like this video.

The saddest part of this story? Huey got to spend the night doing shots and putting John Mayer songs on the jukebox, but the hamster engaged in no such revelry. He just sat in her car the whole time, thinking, “Jesus, when is that crazy bitch gonna drive me home so I can nibble on stuff and suck drops of water out of a stainless steel tube and piss in a pile of straw?” Oh, and here I am talking about what a hamster wants. Well. One imagines it most certainly did not wish to be killed, which was the course of action Huey recommended as she was being arrested. But that might have just been the Jäger talking, because she did go by the veterinary office where the police took it to claim the little guy.

We’re very invested in the welfare of animals here at Grist List, and we have to insist that if Huey brought the hamster out to party with her, she should now really take him to AA meetings. Picture a little hamster chorusing along with a group of sober drunks, “Hi, Nicole!” and “It works because you work it!” Awwww! He better like donuts.