Over at Jezebel, the inestimable Lindy West has noticed just how many foods, chemicals, and habits are reported give you cancer, and she’s figured out how to dodge them all. She walks us through a day of her cancer-free lifestyle, from waking up in a windowless apartment in Singapore (lower rates of cancer in women) to drifting off while munching on Brazil nuts.

Here’s part of her daily menu:

Before even getting out of bed I eat 14 aspirin, a slice of multivitamin loaf (raw, natch), a pound of blueberries, and an entire bulb of garlic. I never drink apple or grape juice, or as I like to call them, liquid arsenic! And of course I don’t drink milk! Instead, for breakfast I stick to cancer-preventing superfoods like sauerkraut, raw broccoli, and garlic-water. Pro tip: Sometimes I mix the three together and call it “cereal.”

Then it’s lunchtime! I make it a rule only to eat foods that are 100% not strawberries, not rice, not chicken, not any other meat besides chicken, not fried, not grilled, not baked, not roasted, not cooked at all, not from China, and also not from not-China. A typical lunch for me is 400 grapes.

Follow this and the rest of the regimen, which includes a sensible dinner made of artichokes you stuffed in your bra all day (I’ll let Lindy explain), and you can be basically guaranteed never to get cancer — unless you live long enough, at which point it appears to be inevitable.