Ed. note: In case you don’t religiously follow Justin Bieber news (what.), you might have missed that he adopted a monkey, which was then confiscated in Germany because Bieber didn’t have any paperwork showing that it was vaccinated. (And honestly, we can’t see the Biebs being on-task enough to vaccinate a monkey anyway. He probably just thought it was a tiny, hairy fan that was following him around.) Anyway, as it turns out, the monkey is fine, and we have received a letter from … him? Her? Reports differ. Anyway, you can rest easy knowing that this particular monkey is safe if musically frustrated, but GUYS, do not buy exotic pets. Don’t be as big an asshole as Justin Bieber.

***

Hey guys! It’s me, Mally! The monkey? JUSTIN BIEBER’S monkey? Remember me now? Jesus.

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Justin Bieber

I wish people would take my music seriously. The Biebs said I could open for him on his European tour when I joined him in March, but THAT turned out to be a huge lie. They took me into custody in Germany, all because I didn’t have my shots. (We did plenty of shots – just not that kind.) People say I’m maladjusted because I ran away at 14 (weeks). Uh, it was more due to the fact that I’m a party animal and my only company in that cage in Germany was a stuffed teddy bear. Don’t get me wrong – we got really close. Teddy’s gonna rap on my remix of his remix of my single, after the deluxe edition of my EP comes out.

For now, I GUESS I’m gonna hang out here in the Serengeti Park. “The park is home to Germany’s only white-headed capuchin family,” these Brits keep telling me. Is that supposed to entice me, hanging out with a bunch of old people? Anyway, I hope the “George” references stop soon, because the park director keeps telling people how curious I am. JUST STOP.

Look for my debut album, Taking Mally, on iTunes soon. And take care of that kitten, OK?