Angry Ron Paul delegates and racist peanut throwers were not the only strange attendees of the Republican National Convention.
On Tuesday night, mermaids entertained delegates at a cocktail party at the Florida Aquarium (mermaids frequent places with alcohol because drunk people are more likely to believe in them). They were very talented mermaids. They did back flips.
The same night the mermaids performed, Rick Santorum gave a speech that leaned heavily on the theme of “hands” — the hands of the sick, the hands of the dying, the gnarled hands of hardworking Americans, my own hand which very well may reach out and choke me for extending this metaphor at such length and with such brute force. There were rumors that this speech was originally supposed to revolve around the theme of feet, but at the last minute it was changed so as not to alienate this small, but important, mermaid delegation.
Of course, NOAA issued a statement months ago saying mermaids don’t exist, but NOAA is a federal agency concerned with science, so in addition to being socialist and fascist it probably believes in things like “evolution” and “pregnancy from rape.” Can’t trust those guys.