The scene of the crime.
Dave Ascough
The scene of the crime.

Katy Perry sings about feeling like a plastic bag (illegal in several states?) and Fiona Apple confused a bird with a paper bag, but neither of them found an octopus while picking up trash like some Brits did recently. The BBC reports:

The body of an octopus has been found during a litter pick near the top of England’s highest mountain.

Dave Ascough, 43, from Stockport, leads mountain walks and found the 20cm (8in) cephalopod mollusc 10m (33ft) from the top of Scafell Pike in Cumbria.

Ascough mused that a bird might’ve carried the little guy all the way up there. Was the octopus singing “Ain’t No Mountain High Enough” to his illicit avian lover? Was it landing from a UFO? Trying to commit suicide?! We’ll never know.

Perhaps in Clue fashion, we should be asking, “Who killed the octopus at the top of the mountain? Was it Colonel Mustard with the candlestick?” All I know is, octopi are a lot cuter alive (see: being incredibly tiny, covering a dolphin’s naughty bits, and keeping naked Ben Kingsley company).

Moral of the story: Don’t litter. And if you go dumpster diving, wear a wetsuit.