This year, your resolution to lose weight is totally going to be different. Sure, it didn’t work last year with Weight Watchers or the year before with Atkins or the year before with South Beach. But now, truly, the answer has arrived: a fork that measures the number of bites you’ve taken! This fork proudly boasts not just the usual food-piercing tines but a sensor, Bluetooth, and a little thingy that vibrates to tell you you’re eating too fast. 

The fork, which is sort of the Fitbit of eating utensils, is called HAPIfork, probably because it has haptic (touch) feedback but also maybe to imply you’ll be happy if you don’t eat that whole lasagna. (As if anyone was ever made truly happy by NOT eating lasagna.) It pairs with an app that tell you other neat stuff about your meal, like how long it lasted, and how long it takes the fork to travel from the plate to your mouth. Hmm. Aren’t there some things that should just remain a mystery?

If your answer is “no, if anything I want to know MORE irrelevant functional data about my meal, and I will pay handsomely to get them,” then you can buy one of these to hook up to your computer in just a few months for only $99.99. A few months later, you’ll be able to get the Bluetooth-enabled one. And then, you and your HAPIfork can achieve narcissistic union on a scale previously unknown to man. We’ll just be over here trying to figure out how to eat really fast in a position that allows this to double as a personal massager.