Looks flat to me.
Looks flat to me.

I’d like to call this meeting of the Flat Earth Society to order. ORDER, people! (Chris Columbus, shut up. No one cares about your trip across the Atlantic.)

There has been some confusion lately about what we believe. We all heard what President Obama said about us on Tuesday. And while SOME of you adhere to the Lindsay Lohan “all publicity is good publicity” school, the rest of us do not. Obviously we belong to this elite group of enlightened beings because we know the Earth is flat. Have YOU been up in a spaceship to see for yourself that it’s round? I haven’t, because it would probably conflict with my M*A*S*H reruns, and you know how I get about my stories. But climate change? Duh! That shit is real! You’d have to be a COMPLETE IDIOT to deny that.

So we need to do something to clear our good, flat-earth-believing name, so the public knows we aren’t crazy. Obviously humans are majorly contributing to our warming climate. Can we get someone on that? Who volunteers to write a press release? I see a hand in the back — stand up, who’s raising their hand?

Fuck you, Magellan! Who let that guy in here again?!