Not the actual lonely pig.
Not the actual lonely pig.
Jonathan Crowe

If men are pigs, this is just a regular season of The Bachelor. A Swedish farmer has one seriously lonely swine that needs to find a good mate, and FAST, or authorities are going to confiscate it. The farmer’s been making all sorts of excuses, saying the pig just hasn’t met the right girl yet, and that he’s just sowing his wild oats, and also there’s this tiny detail about the farmer’s barn being too small (but really, it’s not the size of the barn … ).

The authorities have tried being patient, but the pig should really be in a committed relationship by now:

The warning comes from animal welfare inspectors with the Västergötaland County administrative board (länsstyrelsen) who are fed up with the farmer for dragging his feet when it comes to attending to the pig’s welfare.

“The pig is alone … this has been a temporary solution,” the inspector said … “But this temporary solution has dragged on and on, from a month or two to several years.”

Years! Well, no wonder. That’s a lot of Porks & Rec to watch alone. (I’ll show myself out.) The li’l guy needs a special ladyfriend, argues the inspector, because hogs are social animals. And if the pig doesn’t find a mate in the next month, things are gonna get ugly.

I mean, the inspector has a point. The pig isn’t getting any younger. If he waits too long, all the good ones will be taken, and he’ll have to settle for someone mediocre or be branded an old maid (oops, projecting). And this guy’s a total catch, given that all pigs are at roughly the same level of attractiveness and none of them have much game. So line up, ladypigs, and get the long-stemmed roses ready.