nypd_dolphin
NYPD

We’ve long said that dolphins are assholes, and now, we know exactly what kind of assholes they are: the kind of hipster assholes who just can’t stay out of Brooklyn. They keep sneaking into the borough in search of artisanal sardines, tight tail-pants, and retro blowhole tattoos, and then getting caught in various Brooklyn waterways. The latest infiltrator: A dolphin stuck in a creek in Coney Island, probably on his way to a Joss Whedon-themed burlesque show.

Police and harbor patrol are trying to rescue the dolphin by attempting to chase it into a net, while it swims back and forth across the creek yelling something about the rents in Williamsburg.

In reality, of course, we’re sympathetic to the poor critters — it’s not their fault we built hipster enclaves all over their habitat. I was gutted over the Gowanus dolphin, for real! (Actually, I was WAY meaner to swans in that Gowanus dolphin post; I called them “just good-looking dinosaurs with shitty attitudes” and I stand by that.) But dolphins, be real: You’re the bros of the sea. You like sports and fighting and unabashed horniness. Might I gently suggest you’d be happier in Jersey?