Graham Ballantyne

Why do those Canadians always have to be so goddamn perfect? They have national health care. They have a low murder rate. The chick from frickin’ Revenge is from Canada. And now, Vancouver, that sparkling jewel of a city anchoring their western shore, is making intelligent use of recycled plastic by combining it with asphalt to construct the city’s sidewalks. OK, Canada — now you are just showing off.

Obviously it’s a pretty good idea to use plastic for something other than throwing it into the ocean to create new landmasses or strangle adorable animals. But using plastic as a component of sidewalk construction has an extra benefit. By its lonesome, asphalt has to be pretty hot to spread, but add some plastic to it and you’re looking at about a 30 percent decrease in the amount of energy needed to get the stuff up to the right temperature. One more thing: When being spread, asphalt mixed with plastic emits much less harmful vapor into the air than regular asphalt.

Ugh, screw you, Canada, with all your non-messed-up priorities (did you know Vancouver’s goal is actually to become the world’s greenest city?) and your brilliant ideas. We’re going to take Bryan Adams hostage and make him sing “Straight From the Heart” on the Washington Mall until they agree to stop being so perfect.