Rabid beavers are on the attack in Northern Virginia. A rabid beaver bit an 83-year-old woman swimming in Lake Barcroft on Sept. 3, and on Sept. 8, another rabid beaver lunged at a group of children on a nature trip at Hidden Pond Nature Center in Springfield. It was not the same beaver, as the one who bit the old woman was beaten with a piece of wood, trapped under a fishing net, and then euthanized. The beaver who attacked the kids did not actually succeed in biting anyone, and it was euthanized before he could realize the dream all rabid beavers share, which is sinking their disgusting teeth into a terrified and screaming human being.
Officials aren’t worried that these attacks mean there’s a rabies epidemic in Northern Virginia — apparently, like death and taxes, rabid beavers are just a part of our world. There is, however, an epidemic of people saying dumb things about beavers in the Washington Examiner. Like the family of a child at the nature center, who said, “Now we have a ‘wild fishing story’ to tell people in the future.” Hey — guess what! Beavers are not fish. Or the spokesperson for the nature center who said, “Certainly the children were startled by it,” “it” being a staggering homicidal beaver. Startled? You think a bunch of 4-year-olds who think animals are made out of acrylic pile and foam stuffing were “startled” by a beaver with bared teeth? Because we kind of think they were maybe, like, shitting their collective Garanimals.
Anyway, between the Lake Barcroft incident, the nature center incident, and Naomi Wolf, problematic beavers are apparently having a heyday. As with any rash of scary wildlife, though, we’re also holding open the possibility that this is the beginning of the vengeful animal uprising.