Greenpeace was out filming the mini-doc Secretary Sally Jewell: #ParksNotCoal in Glacier National Park when a romantic hoary marmot snuck up on a timelapse sequence to get all Jack-Dawson-smoochy-smoochy with a GoPro. Oh, and first-date rules are out the window: This whistlepig goes all tongue witchu, baby.

And who can blame it? Rising temperatures imperil his high-altitude habitat, pushing tundra up the mountain until it runs out. Our lardy lothario gotsta move quick — which is why scientists call marmots “nature’s pickup artists.”* Steamy lines from the marmot pickup artist forums:

  • “Hey baby — how’s about we take this face action back to my burrow. It’s dark, it’s dirty, and I’ve got some stockpiled lichens and sedges for when we done. Which is ne-vaaaaaah …”
  • “This kiss is just a prelude. Gonna make you whistle so loud the whole valley will hear. Then I’m gonna whistle back, cuz there’s eagles and shit out there.”
  • “The white tips on my fur make me look grizzled, but that’s just experience.”
  • “After we’re done, I promise you’ll sleep hard … for seven to eight months, until the snow melts.”
  • “OK, maybe I came on too strong. What would you say to some social grooming?”

Can you resist this sexy, sexy marmot — the new, sexy face of climate change? No, you cannot. But you should try: They’ll bite your face off.)

*They don’t. 

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