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What if Baywatch were … better?

The Baywatch cinematic reboot, starring god-among-men Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson, lesser deity Zac Efron, and Priyanka “Miss World 2000” Chopra, is out in theaters on Friday. We, the moviegoing public, should be blessed by this release, but early reviews suggest it’s actually just too ridiculous.

The New York Times: “Like its source material, ‘Baywatch’ is sleazy and wholesome, silly and earnest, dumb as a box of sand and slyly self-aware. It’s soft-serve ice cream. Crinkle-cut fries. A hot car and a skin rash.”

Vox: “Baywatch is a lot like [a] dead man’s penis: It’s a limp, charmless thing that doesn’t warrant the effort or time spent looking at it.”

The Atlantic: “… [Y]ou didn’t come for the plot. None of us, the writers of this film included, came for the plot.”

Wow! Decided burns, everyone. What if it were about climate change instead? Consider:

Maybe people would have liked it more.