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Astrology Zone

What’s going to happen in 2017? Experts weigh in. (It’s us — we’re the experts.)

As we end a year that’s been good for the nation’s obituary writers and no one else, it’s natural to wonder what’s in store for 2017. Will Judge Judy finally make it to the Supreme Court? Will Canada build that wall? Here are a few of our predictions for the coming months:

  • Rick Perry will show up for work at the Department of Energy offices for the first time sometime in August, exclaiming, “I remember now!”
  • The Department of the Interior will be replaced with the Department of Interior Design and headed by Ivanka Trump and the Property Brothers.
  • Ben Carson and Elon Musk will collaborate to solve the nation’s housing crisis by soliciting affordable housing proposals for Mars.
  • Mike Pence will introduce legislation requiring a mandated mourning period for used tampons.
  • Hillary Clinton will be spotted at Burning Man, looking radiant.
  • All musicians will die. Except Keith Richards.
  • Vladimir Putin will be awarded the Presidential Medal of Freedom.
  • Donald Trump will be revealed to be a Christmas ham. This will have no impact on his ratings.

If we learned anything from 2016, it’s that prognosticators can be very, very wrong — but really, crazier things have happened.