Look, we told you biking was better for the environment than driving. We told you it was better for your health. We told you it made you look more fashionable. We told you it would save the economy. Is that not good enough? What do you want? Do you need bikes to get you off, too? WELL FINE. BIKES GET YOU OFF NOW. I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY.
The Happy Ride, made by Sexshop365 (which sounds like a terrible OKCupid username but is a British adult toy store), is a bicycle seat that vibrates while you pedal around. The controls are hidden in a discreet pocket in the back, so you can adjust it to your preferred level of stimulation, from “oooooh, this guy might door me, how titillating” to “OH GOD THE LIGHT’S TURNING RED, HANG ON, I’M COMINNNNNG.” (Incidentally, PLEASE wear your helmet. Let’s all practice safe bike sex.)
It looks like a pretty standard black bike seat cover — no rabbit attachments or pink silicone — so nobody needs to know how much you’re truly enjoying your ride. Or that when you take the seat off your bike and bring it into work with you, that’s not just a theft-prevention measure.