Of course I'm real. Didn't you get my email?
Brenda Starr
Of course I’m real. Didn’t you get my email?

So back a long time ago in North Korea, when it was just plain old Korea, there was a guy named King Tongmyong and he rode a unicorn. In case you are finding yourself getting jealous of the Koreans and going “goddam it they have the best legends,” you should know that this is not a legend. At least not according the Korean Central News Agency’s recent statement which said, essentially, that the discovery of a unicorn lair proves that Pyongyang “was a capital city of Ancient Korea as well as Koguryo Kingdom.”

And how do they know that this site they discovered, near the Yongmyong Temple in Pyongyang City, was a unicorn lair? Why, because “Unicorn Lair” is carved in a rock at the site. Everyone knows unicorns don’t set up a lair without carving the words into a rock. After all, in addition to not existing, unicorns are master stonemasons. And during the time of the Koguryo Kingdom (which the press release seems to have listed occurring at two different, but overlapping times) they came to this place and were like, yeah. This is the capital.

One gets the feeling that this probably makes more sense to the North Koreans than it does to us. And so we are left with the task of simply shrugging and wondering how one says, “Well, all righty then!” in Korean.