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Articles by David Holub

David Holub edits Kugelmass: A Journal of Literary Humor. His work has appeared in The Paris Review, McSweeney’s Internet Tendency, AGNI, and elsewhere.

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Thanks to environmental woes, we’ll soon have to update everything — even the subjects of our favorite cliches. Here are 10 of the most endangered.

1. IT’S LIKE COMPARING APPLES AND ORANGES. The difference between apples and oranges used to be so stark that to compare them would have been, well, fruitless. But thanks to the triumphs of agriculture and biotechnology, soon we’ll have apples that are oranges. No word yet on whether they’ll keep the doctor away. Update: It’s like comparing apples to genetically modified apples.

2. THE EARLY BIRD GETS THE WORM. Reaping rewards is sometimes just a matter of being one step ahead of your competition. Birds, with their punctual proclivities, have long known this. But warming climates are throwing off their migration schedules, leaving them out of sync with their food sources. Being early no longer guarantees a damn thing. Update: The early bird gets just as many worms as the late, confused slob.

3. DOES A BEAR CRAP IN THE WOODS? When someone asks a rather obvious question, you might slap your forehead or roll your eyes. Or you migh... Read more