Who doesn’t want to drill for oil in the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge? It’ll be fun! We will wear special outfits, and when the oil gets in our mustaches, we’ll take silly pictures and send them as postcards. The future, now more than ever, is a vast, inky utopia. Babies will squeal with delight and Alaskan koalas will slip in the oil in the most adorable ways. (Ed. — do they have koalas up there? can we make that happen?)
Sadly, some people (generally sex offenders, future studies are likely to reveal) oppose the drilling plan. Despite the guaranteed fun, these party poopers continue to drag their bare and frequently unwashed feet. Drilling will “ruin” the site for no more than six months’ worth of oil, they complain. Well, it goes without saying that six months — half a year — is a long time; in some cultures (Ed. — check stat, I think it’s the Indians or something), it’s actually considered closer to 15 years.
If slipping koalas and 15 years of energy pleasure aren’t enough, here are 10 more glistening reasons to plunge a masculine drill into Alaska’s “Opportunity Refuge.”
- Penicillin II. Those opposed to progress complain that an oil spill on Alaska’s North Slope is reported every 18 hours. Needless to say, a “spill” is a mistake, and a mistake is simply a challenge — if Copernicus hadn’t made a “mistake,” he never would have discovered penicillin.
- Caribou. Sure, they’re cute in small numbers. But unchecked, their population will swell and they’ll make their way down to our proud cities. These hair-covered immigrants will eat our food and steal our jobs (unconfirmed).
- That sparkly shine. The quiet beauty of a parking lot oil puddle — the mesmerizing colors, the blackest black — can now be a little less quiet. Picture a proud musk ox admiring a shiny acre of oil: This is Mother Nature saying, “We just upped the ante!”
- The children. Think of the children, who love oil with all their precious hearts. We must leave no child behind. Children are our most precious resource. Ban drilling and face their deep, wordless grief.
- Progress. Tired of non-large vehicles that fit, pitifully, in a single parking space? Soon we’ll have enough oil to fuel four mega-SUVs per household, larger than ever, with enough left over to dump on our enemies’ heads. America’s trucks will be so big that even the popular girls, with the tiny backpacks, will like us.
- Seals. They’re fat. Sure, their faces may be mildly cute, but look at their midsections. Pure blubber. Who bends over backward to save blubber? Fools, that’s who.
- Common sense. The world’s largest oil rig sank Tuesday, jeopardizing the 400,000 gallons of crude oil and diesel fuel that were aboard. We must drill for more oil to replace what was lost this week. And if we spill that, we will drill elsewhere. This can continue indefinitely according to most data.
- Penguins. There aren’t any in Alaska. Drilling will allow penguins to be as free as ever. Who doesn’t love the way they walk? Who doesn’t love freedom?
- The Bible. The good book clearly tells us to support the oil companies. It’s in there. Look toward the middle. This is faith-based energy policy.
- Money. Every dime of profit will be donated to charity. Swear to God.