In a marketing decision that was clearly made by stoners for stoners, Jack in the Box is debuting a bacon-flavored milkshake. At 1,081 calories for 24 ounces, this seems like a great way to get most of a full day’s worth of energy, protein, and dairy without having to do any chewing, assuming you are the nutritional equivalent of a sociopath. Except this “bacon milkshake” has barely even looked at bacon (and has only a passing acquaintance with milk). It’s basically a thousand-calorie food golem made of chemicals.

The blog Be Food Smart has dug up the ingredients for the shake (and it did take some digging — Jack in the Box is not exactly forthcoming about how they construct their so-called food). Here’s the money quote:

Bacon Syrup – Pure Cane Sugar, Water, Natural And Artificial Flavors, Salt, Sodium Benzoate And Potassium Sorbate

The “natural flavors” are probably chemical compounds derived from taking bacon apart and analyzing its components. Meaty!

Oh, and p.s. the “milkshake” part contains sucrose, corn syrup, sodium caseinate, cellulose gum, mono-and di-glycerides, disodium phosphate, carrageenan, guar gum, sodium citrate, polysorbate 65, and dextrose, and the whipped topping is largely composed of partially hydrogenated palm kernel oil. But all this is basically par for the course.

On the plus side (I guess?), this means the bacon milkshake is plausibly vegetarian. Maybe. Who the hell knows what “natural flavorings” are. So if you’re a veggie hipster who’s been sulking about missing the whole “bacon is cool” trend, and you’re training for some kind of eating competition, get to it!

Update: Oh lord, I guess Jack in the Box’s promotion for this is all about marrying bacon and having babies with it? This is all getting a little serious a little fast, bacon milkshake, especially since we apparently haven’t even seen what you’re truly made of. Besides, everybody knows bacon hipsters are commitment-shy. And bacon will do it with just about anybody.