Our beauty is enhanced by zee fact zat zee world does not know of us. (Photo by Mario Sarto.)

So, we don’t know if you know this, but diamonds are a reasonably important resource. Yes, they’re widely used to trick women into spending the rest of their lives driving a minivan between Safeway, a middle school, and a soccer field while alternately saying “did you hear me?” and “do I have to spell everything out for you?” But they are also used for industrial things like — oh, who knows. “Industrial things” is quite enough information. The point is that, after 30-odd years of secrecy, Russia has revealed that it has them and you don’t.

Beneath a 35-million-year-old, 62-mile-diameter asteroid crater in Eastern Siberia, Russia has this massive shitload of diamonds. Like 3,000 years’ worth. Like one QUADRILLION dollars’ worth. Plus, they’re supposedly really amazing diamonds because some meteor crashed into something and there was lots of pressure involved in creating them, which makes them extremely hard and thus well-suited to those industrial purposes that we are not getting into.
It might have been nice for Russians to share their knowledge about this diamond stash, but apparently that is not how they roll. So, after they found out about this massive field of diamonds back in the ’70s, they decided to keep in a secret, because they were worried about undercutting their own diamond industry. You really got to hand it to them too, because they did a hell of a good job keeping this a secret, especially considering how hammered Russians get. Maybe vodka makes you drunk without giving you a big mouth. Someone should do a study. And I have an idea who can finance it.