Sick of solar-powered taxidermy and fair-trade Febreze? Then this silly video will cure what ails you:

“The Sustainable Kidnapping project promises to always return victims in better condition than when they were captured, for a kinder, gentler kidnapping experience,” explains the YouTube description from Above Average. (You may know them as the SNL-affiliated online comedy group responsible for another Kickstarter parody, “Tiny Diapers for the Tip of Your Penis.”)

Sustainable kidnapping means the abducted get a customized diet and fitness regimen, twice-weekly therapy, and all-natural chloroform! (Used on biodegradable filthy rags, of course.) There’s even the requisite Michael Pollan joke thrown in.

If you’re very sensitive the video may not be for you — even sustainable kidnappers occasionally have to get rough. But as a commentary on the sustainability movement it’s kinda great. Just please don’t use it as a business plan.