More like not-so-holy water.
Texas Frank
More like not-so-holy water.

We’ve done some research, and it turns out holy water is not Jesus’ tears, or the gray water from God’s bathtub, or the sleep-drool of the Holy Ghost. It’s just water that a priest blesses and then uses for baptisms and anointing the sick and stuff. Still, it’s, uh, kind of troubling there are traces of doo-doo in there:

A new Austrian study found that 86 percent of holy water … had fecal matter such as E. coli, enterococci and Campylobacter — diseases that lead to fever, diarrhea and abdominal pain, ABC News reports.

So now we have a taste of what the 780 million people without access to clean drinking water are going through. And it tastes like shit.

To avoid contamination, experts say holy water in places of worship should be changed regularly (like an adult diaper). Unlike said diaper, it’s unclear HOW, exactly, the fecal matter got there. Who pooped in the holy water? The somewhat anticlimactic answer is NATURE.

The study, published in the Journal of Water and Health, also analyzed water from holy springs — water sources that gained their reputation in medieval times for having healing capabilities. From the 21 springs and 18 fonts tested in Austria, scientists found samples of 62 million bacteria per milliliter of water, none of it safe to drink.

So if you wouldn’t drink out of a random stream, don’t go gulping down holy water. Simple as that. You’ll have to find another way to get rid of your stomach vampires.