packaged salmon.

Because nothing signals a democracy on the mend like a profusion of czars, salmon defenders are now calling for a federal salmon czar.

According to Wikipedia my deep and nuanced understanding of Russian history, we can expect a salmon czar to quickly go drunk with power, lord over peasant salmon, and assassinate political rivals in fits of paranoid rage.

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Or, you know, coordinate various government bureaucracies and administrate a sensible management plan.

“It would be better to have one Washington, D.C. office with real power to deal with salmon issues, instead of the highly dispersed and dysfunctional mish-mash that now governs,” writes the Daily Astorian editorial board.

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But, really, can’t they find more democratic titles for these new positions?