If you have a spare $4,500 lying around, you can now own a Rick Perry chia head that's as tall as Rick Perry. (From the item's description: "Hmmm, Rick recently stated at a Tea Party debate that he would be offended if somebody thought he could be bought for $5,000. He obviously hasn’t evaluated his worth as a gigantic planter.") Hair plants are not included — like the governor himself, you're going to have to WORK for that hair. But it does ship with a gallon of Cow Wow, a manure-based fertilizer. In other words, the Perry head comes with its own bullshit.

Reader support helps sustain our work. Donate today to keep our climate news free. All donations matched.

How would the Republican frontrunner prefer you to care for his flowering tresses? Here's a guess:

  1. Do not water. Ever.
  2. Keep in well-lighted, unventilated environment with a steadily increasing supply of CO2. (It's natural!)
  3. Destroy the EPA. Not for plant care reasons or anything — that's just step 3 of any Rick Perry plan.
  4. If leaves start looking brown around the edges, pray.

Grist thanks its sponsors. Become one.