The Onion warns that global warming could be irreversible within negative five years

If you've ever felt confused about the definition of "lolsob," read this Onion headline: "Report: Global Warming May Be Irreversible By 2006." Oy.

The Onion has been on a roll lately of just reporting the news straight and letting it satirize itself (see also: "Rumors Of Extramarital Affair End Campaign Of Presidential Candidate Who Didn't Know China Has Nuclear Weapons"). There's nothing made up in this story, except the implied dateline. Which is exactly what makes it so funny and so godawful depressing.

If the 2006 deadline isn't met, climatologists warn the world will eventually experience planet-wide cataclysms, including massive shortages of potable water, insufficient crop productivity, the extinction of numerous species, and unprecedented outbreaks of famine and pandemic disease.

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"The picture by the end of the 21st century becomes quite bleak, frankly," Dr. Tumminelli said. "I, for one, would not want to live in the world this report describes: entire Asian cities underwater from monsoon flooding, mass human diasporas, wars fought over the scraps of habitable land still remaining — hell on earth, basically. Our only hope is for the nations of the world to put aside their individual interests and take decisive action by 2006."