Absolutely the most disgusting way to keep your weight-loss New Year’s resolution

Aspire BariatricsI wonder if there’s some way to suck out the part of my brain that allows me to do this to myself?

Wouldn’t it be great if you could just stuff yourself silly and then just suck the food out of you with a tube? No? You think that wouldn’t be great? You think that’s really disgusting? Well, too bad, because such a device has already been invented and, what with people’s desire to have their cake and have it sucked out of them with an aspiration tube too, there’s a good chance of it becoming rather popular.

If you look at the above photo, you get some sense of how the thing works, which, as we mentioned earlier, is that you eat and instead of digesting your food and then shitting, like the Lord intended, you suck the food out of you first. Here is a longer description of the more technical aspects of this device:

To begin Aspiration Therapy, a specially designed tube, known as the A-Tube™, is placed in the stomach. The A-Tube is a thin silicone rubber tube that connects the inside of the stomach directly to a discreet, poker-chip sized Skin-Port on the outside of the abdomen. The Skin-Port has a valve that can be opened or closed to control the flow of stomach contents. The patient empties a portion of stomach contents after each meal through this tube by connecting a small, handheld device to the Skin-Port. The emptying process is called “aspiration”.

Now before you get all excited about it and go and stuff your face, you should know that the thing’s not quite ready to be sold yet. They still have to figure out what to do about the fact that stuff like broccoli and snow peas and pretzels and steak get stuck in the thing. So the company was also working on a sandwich made out of broccoli and snow peas and pretzels and steak, but those plans have been shelved. Thanks. I will be here all week. That is, when I am not extracting food through my “Skin-Port.”