Getting cancer from chemicals is so last month. Get cancer from being green instead!

Your hybrid, though reducing greenhouse-gas emissions, could be the source of a cancer-causing electromagnetic field! Your tofu, presumably a substitute for overconsumption of meat, could give you thyroid cancer — deforestation aside! Reading Grist, your indispensable source of environmental enlightenment, could give you cancer! My, you can’t take a breath these days without finding out that breathing gives you cancer!

What’s a paranoid enviro to do?

The answer to this and many, many, many other questions: Wear silver underwear!

Grist thanks its sponsors. Become one.

<Segue smoothly into long, profound, philosophical commentary on the detrimental effects of paranoia. End with Hallmark-worthy reflection on living life to the fullest. Accept imminent comments on life-changing nature of post with enviable humility.>