The longest river in the United States has been abandoned by the very agency that should be protecting it, says a new report from the National Research Council. A 13-member panel assessed the Mississippi River’s health and evaluated efforts to implement the federal Clean Water Act along the waterway’s 2,300 miles. Conclusion? The U.S. EPA has made the river an “orphan,” leaving the 10 states that border it on their own when it comes to figuring out how to keep Old Man River clean. Poor Old Man orphan! “The limited attention being given to monitoring and managing the Mississippi’s water quality does not match the river’s significant economic, ecological, and cultural importance,” said David Dzombak, a Carnegie Mellon University professor who chaired the panel. He added, “EPA sux, yo.” Our sentiments exactly.

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