I took some time last night to wander the streets of Park City in search of a Gyllenhaal, or perhaps a Lohan, since I’d heard some assortment of famous folks would be in town. But pressing my face up against the glass of the posher eating establishments only succeeded in leaving grease marks.

Then I headed to the nearest deli, where I found people who think they’re famous, including this guy, who tried to befriend me by making fun of my dinner selection. I was the 5,179th person to visit his site, which leads me to believe he is not famous.

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Afterwards I stood outside a few of the many, many fur apparel shops in hopes of getting photos of famous people buying fur, so I could make fun of them here.

All I came across were some PETA protesters, who reported spotting no famous people, with or without fur — and said they wouldn’t recognize them if they saw them anyway.

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Next stop was 7-Eleven. No famous people were in 7-Eleven. But a limousine did drive by as I walked out.