1. Mask your excitement

    Are you ready for a green Halloween, boos and ghouls? Get freaky with a pumpkin keg and vegan gingerbread massacre. We’re thinking about trick-or-treating as Cameron Diaz again, but maybe we’ll actually wear a costume this year.

    Photo: keith rocka

  2. A history of violence

    The Italian mafia has turned to environmental crime (because horse heads are so 1972). In other news, lead exposure may increase crime rates. Just give us back Dora, boys, and nobody else gets hurt.

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    Photo: iStockphoto

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  3. Mattel it like it is

    Decapitated-Barbie jewelry: fun and fashionable? Or a gateway drug to this?

    Photo: Margaux Lange

  4. Breath of fresh air conditioning

    Overheard in Yosemite: “I’d rather be at the mall … [Outdoors] the only thing you look at is the trees, grass, and sky.” Nature-haters, thank your lucky simulated stars for fake trees, painted grass, and indoor sky.

    Photo: alwaysgreengrasspainting.com

  5. Music to our fears

    “Consumerism! The Musical” would be much more convincing as satire if the depicted lifestyle wasn’t so dang appealing. A llama ride? Pick us, pick us!

    Photo: Whitestone Motion Pictures