Ah, Valentine’s Day — are we still pretending anybody likes this holiday? Single people feel insecure and excluded; people in relationships feel guilt-ridden and obligated to consume items blingy or fluffy. I say, if you love someone, tell ’em today, and on Feb. 14, obstinately refuse to wear red.

Yet, knowing that obsessive marketing and the power of tradition are likely once again to outweigh my exhortations that we all just fuhgedaboutit, I would be remiss in not reminding you of ways to celebrate V-Day in a sustainable fashion.

‘Twould be silly of me to repeat Grist advice maven Umbra Fisk’s Valentine advice from last year, because she pretty much covered it all. Or did she? As Justin Timberlake subtly reminded us with his recent album FutureSex/LoveSounds, sex and love are separated by a mere backslash. So you sustainable-minded Valentines will also want to check out one of Grist’s most popular stories evah, Naughty By Nature. No more tainted love for you.

However, it must be said that many women prefer chocolate to sex. And since we know you chaps only want to give the ladies what they want (ha!) Umbra has chocolate advice as well.

After you’re sufficiently sated, might I suggest a snuggly couple outing to see The Vagina Hoohaa Monologues?

Finally, if you’re planning to pop the question, check out Portovert, “the first and only magazine for eco-savvy brides and grooms.” It’s brand new (brand spankin’ new, if you’re into that sort of thing). Portovert has chosen the illustrious V-day to partner with NativeEnergy to launch the first and only wedding carbon calculator.

If you don’t like my ideas, feel free to seek advice elsewhere. But be forewarned — in a Google search of “Nothing says I love you like,” the following are the top options:

  • Nothing says I love you like lovely lingerie
  • Nothing says I love you like radiation
  • Nothing says I love you like a mammogram
  • Nothing says I love you like a box of Pooh
  • Nothing says I love you like an ass in the box
  • Nothing says I love you like a tattooed fish
  • Nothing says I love you like “baaaaahhhh”
  • Nothing says I love you like 6-foot roses
  • Nothing says I love you like tiny burgers
  • Nothing says I love you like murder/suicide

I’m just sayin’.