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Articles by A. Vampire

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I, for one, am really excited about plant blood.

Patrick Brown, a biologist and doctor working with the startup Impossible Foods, has found a way to make plants bleed. Then he drains these precious fluids (presumably during the eclipse of the blood moon, in an underground laboratory) and puts them into hamburgers.

I think it’s even better drunk straight from the ancestral chalice.

I know what you are thinking: C’mon, vampires won’t settle for plant blood. But that’s just your ignorance speaking.

Most people don’t understand my kind. They demonize us. Okay, sure, there was that one sect in Eastern Europe that feasted on the blood of humans. But condemning us all on that basis is like learning about the Lord’s Resistance Army and then saying that all Christians are terrorists.

The fact is that vampires are just like you: We get our blood from farm animals these days — big barrels direct from slaughterhouses, or nice brown-glass growlers from artisan ranchers. And many of us have concerns about animal welfare. We’d prefer not to kill sentient creatures if we didn’t have to. We have real concern... Read more