Parents! You needn't worry about what public schools are feeding your kids, because the USDA is reforming school lunch standards and cutting out things like potatoes and salty foods and … oh wait, that was true. But now Congress has gotten involved. And that means that the government is on track to declare pizza a vegetable.

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Let's put aside for a second the fact that the soggy, cheesy abomination that's served in cafeterias across the country should barely be called pizza to begin with, much less lumped in with healthy lunch options. Seriously, it’s like a sponge with cheese. But the problem is that kids’ meals are now being overseen by forces that value profit and influence over nutrition. In the grand tradition of declaring ketchup a vegetable, Congress is caving to pressure from the salt industry, potato producers, and frozen food companies to keep unhealthy food on the lunch menu.

Fries, which were supposed to be served in limited quantities, could be back in heavy rotation. And the tomato paste in pizza sauce could count the same as broccoli when schools tally up the servings of vegetables they offer.

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We suggest a compromise: Fine, serve pizza. Count it as a vegetable. But all pizza that schools count towards their vegetable servings must also have spinach or brussels sprouts (It's so good! I promise!) on it. Same goes for fries: If you're going to serve 'em, mix 'em with brussels sprouts. Just basically brussels sprouts for everyone.