Everybody knows there’s no fate worse than being a vegetable. Oh, how those healthy veggies must pine after hungry shoppers as they bypass nutritious stacks of produce en route to snack aisle nirvana. If only vegetables had bright packaging, adrenaline-packed commercials, and millions of dollars for marketing campaigns! Maybe then they could compete with the glitzy success of junk food.

Well, if you can’t beat ’em, you can sell out like “baby carrots” and join ’em.

“More crunchy than chips. More orange-y than cheese puffs. More addicting than any snack that ends in -itos. When you add it all up, baby carrots are the greatest junk food on the planet. The only thing missing is the junk food marketing … until now, peoplz,” boasts “A Bunch of Carrot Farmers.”

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Oh yeah, veggie farmers of the world. Extremely self-referential marketing blitzes now required.

But could something like insane eggplant or smashing pumpkins ever stand up against the new standard of extreme set by baby carrots (which are extremely not even really “baby” carrots)? After all, they are the “snack of freedom.”


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