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25 species of primate are on the brink of extinction

Stuart Richards

We haven't lost any primate species yet during this century, but that might be about to change. The International Union for Conservation of Nature has issued a new report which shows 25 species of monkeys, langurs, lemurs, and gorillas are on the brink of extinction due to human activities. These human activities include burning and clearing of tropical forests, illegal wildlife trade (the "hey, I want a pet monkey" crowd, and also, the "maybe this monkey's blood will make penis work again crowd," plus those who may be in both), and hunting. (Some people eat monkeys. Probably no one you know. But maybe someone who knows someone you know.) 

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11 bacon recipes that will kill you (and why you will eat them anyway)

Why do people about ages 25 to 50 love bacon so much? Before I present to you these 11 bacon recipes that will thrill and scare you, I have a few theories about why hipsters and aging hipsters and people who think they are aging hipsters but are really just aging love bacon. The first one is that when bacon hits the palate (or the nostrils), one's head fairly explodes with pleasure. Then there's the fact that it's good for the hangovers. Then there's the fact that every other day they tell us something is good for us and then that it's bad for us and then it's good for us. Bacon is a food item that we are rarely encouraged to eat, health-wise. Perhaps crumbling a slice or two on a salad won't be the end of you. But Barbecue Bacon Burger Log might.

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London’s proposed commuter canal would let you swim to work

Y/N Studio

As a swimmer -- not a serious one so much as someone who likes to float, and appreciates a swim-up bar, and yes, also, likes to actually move through water once in a while -- I have to say this swimmer's commuter lane proposed in London makes me jump up and down and clap like a seal. In fact, if they build this thing, I might seriously try to move to London even though it's really expensive and I only know two people there.

OK, less about the potential social problems I might encounter as a canal-swimming resident of London and perhaps more about this amazing oh-please-please-please-let-them-actually-make-it-come-true plan. Right now in London there's an underused waterway called Regent's Canal. It's 8.6 miles long and it's got some minimal touristy water taxi action but not much else going on. So recently, when the mayor of London had a citywide competition (I don't know if you've ever seen Oxford Blues or Chariots of Fire but British people LOVE competitions) to do a London version of New York's High Line,  these two awesome lads, Alex Smith and David Lomax, came up with the idea to put the canal to more spectacular use. They propose to cordon off (and clean up) a commuter lane that would let people swim to work.

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This urn uses your ashes to grow a tree to (sort of) take your place

Margaux Ruyant
It's almost just like being with grandpa.

No one wants to die. But if you're going to die (and let us be perhaps the first to remind you today: you will!) then you might as well go on living afterward as something beautiful. No, we're not talking about being reincarnated as Demi Lovato -- this is so much better. A French designer has arranged it so that you can come back as a tree. And, this being a French designer, you will come back as a very tasteful, attractive tree.

Margaux Ruyant
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Obscenely rich people can raise obscenely rich chickens in this $100,000 coop

Neiman Marcus
This is where J.R. and Miss Ellie would live if they were chickens.

The most amazing thing about this $100,000 chicken coop from Neiman Marcus isn't that it exists. It's that it has a library in it. Of all the things they could have given to the chickens who will inhabit this manse to signify their wealth -- a golf course, a cigar room, a weekend in Mustique -- they decide that what chickens really want to do is read. It's kind of sad and suspect. It's like suggesting that people are rich because they're really smart and well-informed, not just because they have no qualms about lying or being evil.

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Giant weird eyeball found on Florida beach

Gino Covacci was walking in Pompano Beach, Fla., probably minding his own business, when suddenly, up ahead in the surf, he saw an enormous eyeball. Not the sort of thing that happens every day. Plus, this was not just any enormous eyeball; it was the size of a coffee mug, and still very fresh, turgid with the blood of whatever creature had recently surrendered it -- and perhaps its mortal coil -- to the briny depths.

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Robot sea turtles could help keep the ocean safe and clean

Swiss Federal Institute of Technology
Being a turtle is so over, being a robot is so in.

If you have SCUBA dived or snorkeled, you have probably been in the presence of the lumbering majesty of a sea turtle. And you probably thought it was great, because seriously, sea turtles? Amazing. And now, great news for ocean life enthusiasts everywhere: We have a whole new kind of sea turtle to love. A robot sea turtle.

Right now you're probably asking, what is the point of a robot sea turtle? After all, regular sea turtles do pretty much nothing, unless you count swimming and slowly and comically ingesting pieces of sea lettuce. Robotic sea turtles, on the other hand, can do all sorts of things. They can find out where a pipeline or a ship hull is damaged. Or the extent of an oil spill, or locate bodies in the wake of a disaster.

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Gorgeous, crazy-fast Australian train would go over 500 miles in two hours

HASSEL
Does this train make me look fat?

We are kind of excited about the fact that the Aussies have designed a train that would take people from Sydney to Melbourne (roughly the same distance apart as Portland, Maine and Baltimore) in a little over two hours, at speeds of about 250 mph.

We would love to ride that train. Trains are awesome. They go fast. They are social. They are romantic. Alfred Hitchcock liked trains, which really says enough; add to this the fact that they are actually pretty clean and easy on the environment and shit, and we can't think of a bad thing to say about trains. Eight million people regularly travel between Sydney and Melbourne, and considering this train might save them 10 or 12 hours on the road, we imagine they are rather jazzed about trains themselves.

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Sarah Palin is going to tell us how to eat like her

Not actually Sarah Palin, but still a pretty good book cover idea.

Have you seen Sarah Palin lately? She's wearing those jeans with the crazy hooker-esque stitching on the pockets, and she looks like she gave herself one of those dye jobs where you pull the strands through a cap. Well, it turns out there's a method to her MILFness — she's writing a diet book. Or more accurately her entire family is writing a diet book, because Palin thinks the world should know how a group of people that go to KFC  for lunch and are proud of eating other disgusting things manage to not be obese.

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Animals are just as depressed as you are

Aaron Logan
I was a little down and then I dyed my hair orange and that helped for a few days.

In honor of National Mental Health Day, let's take a minute to realize that HUMANS ARE NOT THE ONLY ONES WHO HAVE A ROUGH TIME in this world. Those cute animals you look at on the internet to get you through a shitty day? They might be having a shitty day too.

You have probably looked at an animal and thought, "God, it must be so easy to be you -- you who are too dumb and furry to get depressed! Curse you and your naive pleasure with food and poop." Well, the truth is that animals get sad too. They too walk by every bridge wondering if the height would be sufficient to take them into the Sweet Hereafter or to merely break their legs. They too clutch bottles of sleeping pills late at night and wonder, should I just take the WHOLE THING? OK they don't do any of that, because they don't have thumbs or a developed ability to reason about the future, but scientists are coming to believe that animals have the same basic wiring as humans -- which means yes, they can wonder what it all means and whether it's all worth it.

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