Like real celebrities, real food doesn’t need to shout about its health benefits. Processed foods, on the other hand, need all the help they can get.

Fat free! Now with whole grains! Only 100 calories! Zero grams trans fat! All-natural!

Fake health foods are the carnival barkers of the grocery store, shouting at you from every aisle, promising longevity, beauty, and true happiness, if only you’ll buy them. Fake health food is a wolf in sheep’s clothing, a vicar in a tutu. Here are some of the worst examples: