Pizza magnate and Republican presidential contender Herman Cain has unveiled his plan for combating illegal immigration: a 20-foot-tall, barbed-wire-studded, electrified Great Wall of U.S., and also a moat with alligators. Man, with that kind of go-getter attitude, imagine what he could achieve! Here are our predictions for how Herman Cain would tackle climate change if he believed in it, given that his approach to solving thorny political problems is apparently to throw alligators at them.

  1. Genetically engineered sharks that kill carbon by BITING IT TO DEATH.
  2. Pit with spikes for emissions to fall into.
  3. Steel cage match between a hurricane and a blizzard.
  4. Uzi-toting guards perched atop every industrial smokestack, ready to fire on pollution if it tries anything. 
  5. Just straight-up punch the climate in the neck until it behaves.